|First of the March of the Masses|
MasqueradeWe all carry namesMasquerade by ScionofApolo
Warren, Matthew, Gabriel,
They all have different aspects and meanings
But what happens when those names become blurred
Who am I?
Am I Warren? Retail worker and housemate?
Am I Matthew? Living shadow and watcher?
Am I Gabriel? Messenger and deceiver?
I look at the cracks in the walls of my head and wonder
Which mask do I put on today, and which one is screwed forever to my skull?
Which ones are twisted reflections of depravity that I can be?
Which ones was I handed to be, cast within the play?
Which ones must I bury to stop the ceaseless whispers?
I look in a mirror and see it shatter before my eyes
Each piece a mask staring back at me
Voices whispering of choices, of ideas
Why bother? All you are is a tool to get what they want? You won’t be missed
Not good enough for her? Make her bleed for it. Make her wish she’d never met you
Keep moving, there
Ember Sons Deathwatch Creation = Deathwatch Creation =Ember Sons Deathwatch Creation by ScionofApolo
All Ember Sons gain the following benefits: +5 Ballistic Skill, +5 Toughness and the Cant of the Bolter Drill Solo Mode Ability (See Below). In addition the Betcher’s Gland is completely ineffective to the Ember Sons.
All Ember Sons have the Demeanour The Promethean Cult (Deathwatch First Founding pg 22), and should they start to fall to the Primarch’s Curse they show the Unyielding traits (Deathwatch First Founding pg 24) that the Salamanders do.
Solo Mode Ability (Cant of the Bolter Drill): The Ember Sons believe in hammering the enemy with bolter fire as their battle brothers attack from the flanks and rear. To the effect, the Ember Sons have great practice in maintaining fire, both solitarily and as a group. Once per battle the Ember Son Marine may start voice the Cant of the Bolter Drill, allowing a reroll of a single failed Ballistic Skill check, as the holy words grant the Emperor’s guidance to his shots. He must, however
|Comments are much appreciated, even if i dont respond i do read them!|
|I'm a two-thirds crazy guy who has some artistic outlets. I normally keep my journal here (So if you have any interest in watching someone go slowly insane, have at) and will periodically post something art wise. Else wise I like looking through good pictures and comics.|
I guess it’s about time that I write one of these again, seeing as the last one was nearly a half a year ago. Gods, I look at that time frame and go “It hasn’t been that long has it?”. Time’s been passing very quickly apparently. Managed to pick up a good number of pipes and gripes during that time, though, and I’m not sure if that’s just life being the normal bitch it is or more so than usual. Funny thing is even without writing these things, or going to Amtgard I’ve only had one serious blowout to my memory. So either I’m getting better at just sloughing bullshit as it comes along or I’m getting better at venting in a more appropriate method. Yay for me!
((This first bit is a little long, btw))
The foremost issue that has sprung up during the time between the last journal and now is between an individual I’ve hung out with regularly for about five years now. Met her through a gaming group that I got invited to, ended up talking a lot as she would consistently give me rides home from said group, and it just built from there. I found out several years ago that this individual LIKES me, which I find weird as there’s something of a ten year gap between us (Her being the elder). Thing is I have zero ability to reciprocate, mainly because I’m a sapiosexual. This does not only include intelligence, but ability to do. I find myself attracted to people like a friend, Kai, who is practically breaking herself with three different jobs and school, or another friend, Lavonne, who has straight out said that if she took a couple more classes with her Bioinformatics degree she’d have a triple major. The individual that I’m referring to in this issue has lived at home the entire time that I’ve known her, and has not had a job during the time either. If the topic gets brought up she can come out with three major things, which to my mind are sounding more and more as excuses, and completely slough trying. I can get to some extent wanting to focus on the book she’s been writing, and is now trying to get published, (and I’m sorry to be cliché on this) but even Stephen King worked at a fast food restaurant before he really got going. I can also get that she’s had very little job experience, working at a call center while in high school and for ONE week at Burger King. I can also get issues with mental illness, having Depression (and I’ve been repetitively told that I should get checked for Bi-polar), however I can also say that if you can be on four separate anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds at maximum dosage and not have them do anything then you have an issue. Especially when you can have consistent crying meltdowns, and not think there’s a problem. I’m not going to go into how much the lattermost irritates me, as I’m trying to stay on topic, but I could write a full dissertation regarding that alone. So, stating all this, I can honestly say that the reason that I have zero reciprocation, besides the age gap, is that I feel she doesn’t do. To hell, she could be my age, pants tightening-ly hot, and due to that lack of trying I would have no pull towards her at all.
Back on topic: Recently a friend of mine from high school got married. He invited me and the aforementioned individual to the wedding, which was not only out of town, but out of state. So in the midst of all this she ends up booking the hotel room. I have no issues with it except for one: there’s only one bed. Granted I had no issues of sleeping around her before, and even had slept over at her house on the couch a couple times when it was easier just for me to crash there. A single bed, however, sounds creepy even if there was no unrequited love from one person; add in that factor and you notch the creepy up to eleven. I mentioned this to her and her first reaction was “You know I wouldn’t do anything, right?”. Anyone who’s spent a good amount of time around me knows that one of my self-defensive, reflexive habits is to figure out what someone wants to hear to defuse the situation or just make a bad topic drop. I don’t know if it’s because of my issues with my parents, or if it was due to customer service, or a little of both. Yes, this is a very submissive habit to have, but I loathe being in conflict, as much as I find fake conflict interesting. So there is a very good chance that at this, just as a “Don’t have another crying fit, cause you are my only ride home” response that I had responded with “Yeah, okay,”. This is the foremost issue that I have with the entire thing. I brought up a serious, legitimate issue, and was not only ignored, but I honestly feel manipulated over the issue.
I can distinctly remember thinking “If I bring up the topic she’s going to ignore me, and if I press she’s going to have one of her meltdowns and cause even more issues” during this. So even before we went up I talked to my friend, the groom, and he gave me a couple extra ideas, from the couches can turn into spare beds, and really pleasant suggestions just to make things less horrendously awkward. In the end after the bachelor party, we talked to his best man, and the guy allowed me to sleep on his couch the first night. Even then both the groom and I had to bullshit that I was so completely plastered it was a better idea for me to stay where I was just to have the individual back off. Second night I didn’t get that lucky, and ended up having to sleep in the same bed. I remember trying to edge away from her to the point I was teetering on the very edge of the bed, and ended up sleeping horribly, just out of sheer discomfort.
To further compound this, the very next week, after an all-day game of Pathfinder with a group of mutual friends we stopped by a place to grab food and she pulled out her phone to “schedule a time to hang out with me”. It was as if none of the time that I’d spent with her getting stuff for the wedding together, along with the time on the trip, meant nothing. Again I responded with a “make it drop” response of okay. However on the way home and after getting home I felt more and more manipulated and angry for it. I will admit that I lost my temper and ended up having a Facebook blowout with her over that. In said conversation I said what I felt, and still feel is true. That, with what was stated above along with a couple other unmentioned things, the attention that she displays towards me is extremely clingy, and is stalkerish.
She has taken this poorly, saying that I’m intentionally trying to hurt her feelings and accusing her of a crime. I’ve tried explaining that in the real world when a major grievance is had that sometimes people in the same circles will give a metaphorical hard slap to the aggressor. Most of the time this is not meant to cause drama but point out the major issues that one has with another, and have them think about it. I will admit that I’ve, twice, come across too strong on individuals and had the words “Sexual harassment” fly at me, which made me not only stop what I’d been doing but try to make apologies, in both word and action, for doing such. Her response to this explanation was “But I’m not you”, and both irritated me then and now, as it effectively says that she thinks she’s exempt from ramifications of her own actions. Since then she’s tried effectively cornering me for this and demanding apology for it.
At this point I’m done with her. I’ve had conversations with her about my believing that time ‘hanging out’ can be more than what she perceives it to be, at least three times in the past. I’ve tried explaining that my actions, while they were taken in a very choleric manner, were more meant as a very loud “Back off and examine your behavior”. That even though she says she understands now that she did wrong by not shuffling the hotel arrangement, it’s not something a mere apology is going to fix, as it was a severe break of trust. I doubt she can even begin to comprehend how manipulated I feel about all this. How betrayed that someone would do this sort of thing then initially try to slough it, then ‘admitting’ to a wrong, and saying to not have any consequences at all. Just. Done.
The corporate offices at OfficeMax continue to irritate the hell out of me, and with a line anyone with a brain can understand. They’ve been consistently feeding us the line of “We have no intentions of shutting down your store at this time” for a couple months now, which every single PERSON at my store, top to bottom is saying ‘bullshit’ to. I still have been following the rules by repeating that line whenever asked if we are getting shut down, but making it clear to whomever asks that the popular opinion among the staff is that we are. I can say that I have a decent amount of resilience towards bullshit when it is regarding my job. I can tolerate not getting even a token raise for an extended period of time (Valentino’s), or even trying to sell a product I have no ability to back beyond the scripted lines (Influent). However I get tired to hell of corporate offices thinking that employees are replaceable. Yeah, you will always find some poor schmuck who is worse off than the person who just left who needs a job. However if you have a situation where your employees morale is low you are going to get poorer results. A disgruntled employee is more likely to slough duties or give poorer service as two very minor examples. Yet in corporate America, we are just kindling to light corporate fires of greatness, burnt out and discarded.
I’ve done a large amount of reading over the past months (Facilitated by Audible), and have a handful of books to talk about:
Codex Alera by Jim Butcher – This is an earlier series to the Dresden Files, and revolves around Tavi, an individual who is a ‘freak’ among his people for not being able to command any Furies. These are entities that have alignment with one of six element s and can give a person minor abilities both internal and external. A Metal fury can allow it’s bonded partner to ignore pain and fatigue by drawing upon the strength of a metal item, or allow someone to manipulate metal thus making it harder and more resilient to denting or breaking. Technically this series flips back and forth between several different points of view, much like Game of Thrones does, but the centerpoint is Tavi. I will warn you that the first two books are a touch slow. Much like the Dresden Files, Jim uses the first couple to really set the stage as to what’s going on. He loves detail, and he will consistently make references throughout to the details he made in initial books.
Sparrow Hill Road by Seanan McGuire – A book that came out earlier this year and I will try and throw at anyone who listens. It follows Rose Marshal, a girl who died back in 1952, through her afterlife. Seanan does a very good job in explaining things in bite sized portions that continue to build through the story making you want to know what happens next. The only recommendation that I can make is that if you do pick up this book do NOT read it hungry. Rose is unable to eat anything and have it have any substance or taste beyond ash if she is given it freely by a living person. She also loves cheeseburgers. I’ve ended up getting burgers more than anything else at the diners that I visit because of this book.
Skinwalker Series by Faith Hunter – Shapeshifter vampire hunter goes to New Orleans to hunt rouge vampires. Not a bad series, I just have issue with the main character. After three books I ended up putting this series down because the main character ends up practically walking through opponents, practically unharmed. Nice touches here and there make me wonder if the writer has played Masquerade at some point as she points out a couple things that are overlooked in other series. Main one being one of the older vampires in the series has no idea how to use a cell phone. Don’t get me wrong the main character has a couple nice hiccups that make me not say a complete Mary Sue. However it’s irritating to see her be ready for the next ‘adventure’ in about a week’s span between books.
Iron Druid Chronicles by Kevin Herne – Want a Gary Stue main character that is probably a near-insulting stereotypical ‘Irish’ individual? Take a look at this series. Two books and I shelved this series. I mean the character is able to summarily shut down any hostile magic directed at him, heal at a near godlike rate, and pisses off more deities than I can count on one hand in the first book alone. I won’t say I want my Credits back from Audible for this series, but I won’t be tossing any more into the series.