Feb 1, 2012

Dunno how long I'm going to make this journal, in some ways there has not been a whole lot to write about.

To start out I'm going to go over the reaction from Elysabeth of my last journal and what has been done to resolve things. I had her read the last journal, without me around, and then waited a couple days before getting together with her. When we sat down she stated that the heat that I put off is not the primary problem, but that she's severely claustrophobic and I tend to be clingy. Both Elysa and the mutual friend that had sat down to mediate the conversation suggested I go back onto anti-depressants because they had both noticed I had been having more problems with it. Past this we ended up coming to the agreement that I was to try and not crowd her as much as I had been, and she work on trying to make more physical contact with me. So, to that effect I'm now taking what equates to Zoloft and seeing a psychologist regularly (And seeing as how he's going to end up reading this HI!). It's a small dose, and even my psychologist is saying that he's probably not going to have the scrip increased. However, even with all this I'm wondering if everything is going to work out. The best way to put it is to quote one of my friends with "So she basically said that you should get on anti-depressants and isn't going to do anything" and from what I've seen in the time since I've started the medication she's correct. When I text Elysabeth all I have seemed to get in response is a single word response. The few times that I've been around her, after her saying she would like to spend time with me, she's literally ran away from me when I even try to give her a hug, and more often than not I've been having to corner her to just do that. Okay, I get that she's getting over a sinus infection, and god knows I don't want to catch it, but seriously, it's aggravating. Granted, the 'run away a bit' card can be cute, but not when it's every time that I'm around a person. I've been trying to keep with what I've said I'd do by leaving her alone on the two days that we have games together, and not bothering her by text much in the mornings. I'm giving it some time because I don't know if I'm perceiving things to be worse then they are, but if it doesn't improve soon I'll know she's not interested in staying with me.

My mom ended up going to the hospital with a major infection again. This makes it the fourth one in the last year and a half. Apparently this was another kidney infection that stemmed from of the last kidney infection's bacteria not getting completely killed off. It might sound callous of me, but honestly it doesn't surprise me, and it won't surprise me if she dies soon. She's had an auto-immune disorder for over twenty years now, with four major infections within two years. Both my sister and I acknowledge that the Rider with the pale horse will probably visit soon.

I've been talked into really looking at going back to school by a couple of friends and to try and brush up on my skills I've been using Khan Academy. Anyone who's had problems with math or just needs to review something that they may have forgotten should take a look into this. It's helped me notice where I've forgotten things, and also points out where I have natural problems. The thought is you are given an unlimited series of problems along a certain math idea and until you can solve ten in a row correctly it keeps throwing problems at you. If you should have forgotten how to do something there are ten minute (or so) videos where he will go over the topic in question step-by-step.

Besides these things I feel that there is little that I really have not gone over repetitively before. My dad's pulling his "I'm a good guy" act, and I'm waiting for the other foot to fall. My job is irritating the hell out of me because of being at minimum wage I still desperately need to clean out my apartment in the near future, because it's a complete and total sty. I bet you can hear my eyes rolling, rattling off these things.  Anyway, I think that this will be all for this month, but I might alter it as time goes on. I possibly will just end up writing my frustrations into my next journal…