Journal Entry 11/3/2013

I've been slacking on writing this, I know. To some effect there have been some instances where I didn't have permission to write about what had been going on, and others where I just didn't want to. To be straight honest I've been tempted on putting a couple things in mature content locked rants on my DA, just to make sure people were actually being mature about it when they read them. To that effect if you see an instance where I do not have a name, and know who the person is, LEAVE THEM ALONE. If you do not you will not only have the person, but me come down on you with both feet.

I've recently been thinking about a good chunk of people I knew in high school, oft with the perspective of schadenfreude. One in particular I remember because, even then, she was capricious. Now, however, she's bordering on outright insanity, to my perspective. She's twenty-one, lives with her parents, and practically refuses to work. I know she's capable of doing so, but she's chosen not to, which I just cannot understand. She's gotten a job at her mom's insistence, but from what I understand she's on the edge of losing it because she doesn't do the work. Coming from someone who has had a job since I was a sophomore in high school, I don't get it. She gets the job, which is as housekeeping at a hotel, then says to a mutual friend that she wants to quit barely three months later because she "wasn't getting appreciated for the work". Um, excuse me? First jobs tend to menial and sometimes demeaning. Not getting 'appreciated' comes with the territory. Now I hear that she got the ultimatum of unless she starts doing better at said job she was going to get fired. This makes me question how lazy she's being to get that sort of response. If she does lose the job, seeing as her mom's moving elsewhere, the speculation is that she won't get a new one because her dad won't sit on her to make her get a job. I don't exactly know what's going to happen to her, but from the things that have been going around I wonder if she's going to become a 'crazy cat lady'.

Recently an individual I know attempted suicide, downed a double fistful of sleeping pills and gin. Thing is that I felt responsible for it for a good while. Normally, after hanging out with her and some mutual friends we'd both get a ride home from one of the friends, at which point I'd massage her shoulders, collarbone and neck. This time however, she had taken my hand and pulled it lower, nearly to the point where I was grabbing her chest. I didn't complain at the time because I like the individual. When I found out that she had attempted to take her own life my thoughts had been like this: "She was already upset at herself because she felt that she'd whored herself out. Maybe when she thought about what she had allowed herself, and me, to do, she was so disgusted with herself she did this. That'd make it MY fault because I didn't stop her".  It took a good while, and a thorough discussion with the individual to convince me otherwise. Then after she got out of the hospital she was informed by the person her family was living with that she was to move out within a month. The reasoning behind this was 'she caused way too much stress' to the person who they were living with. The person who had made this declaration had already gotten a vulgar nickname because of her callous behavior was not unheard of making rude and mean declarations, but this was a brand new low. To ice the cake, the individual's mom didn't speak up against this declaration. To my eyes this was an obscene move. Even with the crap that I've gone through with my dad I still believe that family is extremely important. The individual had just attempted suicide and her mother decided that she didn't care enough to keep her around and make sure that the individual knew she had her family's support. To my mind this is obscenity. Her mom was later quoted as saying "Normal people don't try and commit suicide" and her daughter needed to be 'fixed', to which I'm happy I was not there because I would have had to fight the urge to hit the individual's mom. My internal response that I've thought every time it's mentioned is "Normal people don't kick someone out that just tried to commit suicide 'because they cause too much stress'." *shakes head* I'm happy I've only had peripheral contact with the people, because it makes it easier for me to not contact them ever again. At this point the individual who got kicked out is living at a mutual friend's house and I try and visit her frequently. I still worry about her.

I've recently started trying to get back into the Warhammer 40k series, as those who've seen the majority of my recent posts can tell. While expensive it's been a nice alteration. The painting is almost a meditative thing for me, and the game itself forces me to be somewhat social. I've been trying to get some of my old friends to play with me, but that's had mixed results at best. I know one friend has a huge Ork army and another has an Imperial Guard army, but I've yet to get anywhere with convincing them to play. I'm really hoping that near future I'll get my hands on a Land Raider set so I can have some more Heavy Weapons options. However, I might not end up getting one because of the cost and how frivolous I've been with my money of late. I'm trying to counter that, but after basically four years of having to count pennies it's been nice to not have to really worry about money. I will admit I went kinda crazy on spending, and I'm paying for it.