October 30, 2012

I haven't written since April, wow. I know I should do this more often but I've been lacking time and motivation. This is going to consist of a lot of rambling so bear with me.

First off is something that even I'm rolling my eyes over, that being my dad. My friend, Loki, has often said that I'm, or at least a part of me, is wanting the guy to turn back into a civil human being. It really is true, because over the past several months I've tried to settle things with him. One reason I tried to do so is that he's putting a lot of pressure on my sister to get a job, even though she is doing reletively well with Advanced Placement classes. He's been going so far as saying that unless she got a job within x timeframe, normally some obscene time as that weekend, he would ship her down to texas. This has, in turn, put her through a lot of stress. One of the last times he did this, back in July, I ended up voicing my opinion of "you are doing her a huge disservice, cut it out" to him. This resulted in him sending me four response texts of "Eat S*** and Die" (which is now his go-to phrase when dealing with me), and once again demanding an apology and my computer sent to reletives. On top of this he started leaning on my sister and saying that she was the person responsible for "restarting my behavior", that she was to resolve it, and until than I was to "eat s*** and die". In response i simply pointed out that his actions as such could be considered, legally, abuse, but let the threat hang. I have gone out of my way to avoid him for several months, but when a friend of mine says that they had talked with my dad and he was saying that he was wanting to talk to me and thought my resistance to him was "A phase" I thought that maybe he would be willing to listen. Here is the full text log of that conversation:

Me: Alright, I'm sick and tired of this manipulation game. You never contact me personally when you want to talk, but go through proxies. On top of that you complain that I don't show you respect when i have consistently offered to work things out reasonably. Finally when you are upset at me you don't attack me but the people around me. To that effect you have ONE text that explains why I shouldn't block your phone and leave it as such. Past that YOU must personally contact me. If you go through a proxy I will ignore it. If you sanction anyone around me in response to this i will consider it a confirmation that you don't care about anything but manipulation of me. You have, in the last three years, proceeded to attack me and claim innocence. Fact is I don't HAVE to have any contact or relationship with you, especially seeing as you disowned me. You have one text to tell me why I should. ~W
Michael: Every day since December 13, 2009 you have told me to "eat s*** and die." I have had no contact with you, directly or indirectly, since you threatened me several months ago. I have no desire to have any contact with you until you stop telling me "ESAD." Until then, right back at you.
Me: That's not what you told my friend. That's not what you've told dorie or mom. I've been told multiple times over the last month that you wanted to talk to me. I'm sick of you doing this. Either talk TO ME or shut up completely.
Michael: I have no interest in hearing from you until you stop telling me to "esad", until then go away.
Me: *rolls eyes* what I told you back in 09' was "if you want me to help don't cuss at me". You proceeded to continue in doing so, and as a result I stopped helping. Can you please tell me how this is unreasonable?
Michael: go away until you quit telling me to "esad". Until then, right back at you.
Me: I'm trying to engate in a mature, reasonable discussion. Whereas you have said only "ESAD". I needn't have engaged in this and simply blocked your number. Can you see how unreasonable you are being?
Michael: Go away until YOU quit telling me "esad" that is all you have told me every day since December 13th, 2009. You know exactly how to stop saying that, but you choose to tell me that again and again. Go away until you stop.
((this is a reference to my sending my laptop to my aunt Karen; giving written apologies to him, my sister, and my mom; and finally signing a contract that will make me unable to access any computer in that house for at least a year))
Me: I am uninclined to acquiesce to your request for the following reasons. First being that your unprofessional and immature manner in the requests suggests that you have no intention to follow through on what you say you are going to do. Second being that you are demanding I relinquish hold of my property with no reasoning as to the matter at hand, and in fact have no connection or claim to said item at all. I would like to sit down with you to discuss our problems in mature adult manner.
Michael: What about "Go away" do you not understand. Unles and until you stop telling me daily to "esad" all that is appropriate is "right back at you". It is up to you to put things right, and you can only do that by taking appropriate steps. Go away, go away, go away until you stop saying that I can "ESAD". Until then right back at you. go away.

... I've been told that if I ever want to really resolve this I'm going to need to bring in a third party moderator. Unless I do I'm not going to get anywhere. I happen to agree with said statement.


I've recently had a problem with Ash. Due to some issues in her life that have caused a huge amount of stress she has recently been informed that she has Disassociative Identity Disorder, though she's probably had it for a long while. As someone who was abused in her childhood it's not surprising, as DID is a reletively common mental defence. I know, thanks to an ex-roommate (Cassie), that DID and MPD is commonly used by people seeking to gain attention, and thus is disregarded by a number of people; however I know Ash is not faking it. To that effect one of her personalities, to make things simple let's call 'her' Jay, is extremely confident in both how she looks and who she is. Ash in general will tend to wear baggy, flattening clothing to hide the fact that she has a rather nice figure due to personal insecurities. Jay, when at the forefront, tends to wear rather *cough* interesting outfits that are really flattering, and that said personality would like to press me against a wall doesn't make it easier for me to ignore her. This has lead to a lot of conflict between me and Ash. For those who don't really understand imagine dating someone and when you kiss them you can feel them pull away slcightly, not sure what to do or if they are 'good enough' to be kissing or with you. Imagine then kissing them again not long after and you can feel the internal 'yes', the literal feel of supreme confidence that you are sexy, you are with someon you think is sexy, and reveling in the fact that you know they think you are too. Now think of after getting that second kiss it suddenly turns into the way it was the first time. For the vulgar minded it might be considered teasing. Everyone wants their partner to have a measure of confidence, as it makes things easier and the person more apealing. So imagine my frustration at this, when the individual who IS confident is a splinter personality. My biggest mistake, as of recently, has been to try and draw out Jay. The personal thought behind this is that DID is just a fragmentation of a single personality. That Jay and Ash are technically the same person and getting them to acknowledge that fact might make it easier for them to meld together, or gaining a deeper accord within Ash herself. However by my doing so I have caused Ash a huge amount of mental and emotional discord. Ash sees Jay as a completely different person, understandably so seeing as DID is a mental 'disease', and was moderately insulted that I was trying to date, as she put it "her cold". In this case it would neither be a lie nor the complete truth. Jay's an interesting individual but I've known Ash long enough that I like the silly, respectale person she is. One of our mutual friends accused me of only wanting to get in her pants, and seeing as Ash was unwilling to let me do so I had been trying to pull Jay to the surface to get that. To be honest I cannot refute him. Yeah, on the concious level I wanted to see her improve and be a happy person, but on the subconcious level I craved her squirming under me. I still want to date her, for multiple reasons admitted, but I don't see this happening before the sky cracks open and the gods walk among mortals again.  **EDIT** I know you can't hear my voice when you read this but due to this I've been feeling like crap. The offers of my reletives in other states have not sounded half so tempting as they have with this mess. Yes, I know I royally f***ed up. As a result my self image is crap, and I've wanted to seriously call into work and just disapear for at least a week...


Job-wise back in May I changed to Office Max, an office supply store. I'm enjoying this a lot more than I think I ever did with Vals. For one I'm getting $8/hr rather than the $7.25 minimum wage that I was getting at vals. For two I'm getting at least twenty hours a week, and often more than that. At Vals I had to fight just to tap twenty hours unless it was during football season. On top of that i've been getting along really well with most of my coworkers, though I've found the (everpresent) person I don't get along with. All total I traded up. I'm able to walk rather than take the bus, I'm getting better pay/hours, I am getting along with my coworkers, and it looks like I might actually get a raise periodically. I will say that I don't make commission, but periodically we get down the line from corperate or one of the companies that they want something specific sold, and that they would feed people a couple extra bucks if they sold it. I once saw HP send down that if we sold a specific printer that they would add another $5 to the seller's paycheck per unit. I mainly get set on counter so I miss out on big incentive things like that for the most part but I am getting a lot of the smaller (like an extra twenty five cents/item) ones. I have been told by my manager that I'm the best in the store for those small sales and one of the best in the region!!! Some people might get upset about being stuck on register so consistantly but I really have no problems with it. For the most part I get to stay busy, and both my manager and I agree with the old term "If it ain't broke don't fix it". Beyond that job I've taken to watching Elysa's little brother (Who is now six) two to three nights a week. I get a free meal, transportation to and home, along wit $20/night out of it. It's not bad, for the most part I can either turn on PBS (Arthur, Electric Company, Wild Krats, and Word Girl), put in a movie (He's really big into Phinius and Ferb and his dad's gotten a few eps on a dvd), or play the PS3 (Little Big Planet and it's sequel keep him entertained) and he's good. The only problem is keeping him out of the popsicles. When he starts into those I need to physically get up and redirect him, because elsewise he doesn't respond. This isn't anything that really upsets me, as his condition makes it difficult for communication. However this is $20 I don't have to clock with the government and just set aside rather than dig into my job funds.


Speaking along the lines of art I really haven't done a whole lot. For the most part I've been trying to get used to my new job and the hours thereof. However I have poked at a few things, which I should be able to put the concept 'sketches' up soon as well as designing my own race for the Pathfinder universe. Once I get that up if anyone plays i really would like some play-testing and regular feedback. I tried to make it so that the race wasn't too over powered (if anyone has the Advanced race guide for pathfinder I ended with 13RP if i remember correctly), however the playtesting is really going to be the thing that makes it work.


I've tossed myself back into amtgard, if nothing else as a physical activity that is fun, as I have never really gotten into lifting weights or something like that. Along with that I've been needing an outlet, and I'll straight out say that amtgard kept me from killing people in highschool. I should have some pictures up soon with me in full garb, and possibly armor. We had an individual join who used to take part in a live steel sport who knows what he is doing when it comes to metal (He put together a 4-in-1 suit of chainmail for a larger individual in 24 hours) and he brought a huge amount of armor to the field. So expect me in chainmail or possibly platemail~!